By Eric Le Roy
The late Anita Roddick, famous female entrepreneur and founder of “Body Shop”, which became incredibly successful, once gave an interview to New English File – a book series used for teaching English as a Second Language. In it, she remarked that, “The world is no longer run by churches or politicians; it is run by corporations.” I hadn’t heard that one before, but, as they say, it resonated. That was years ago, before her death, but it seems that her assessment was not only accurate but prophetic.
And how does the corporate world go about this enormous task of controlling life on our planet while remaining deliberately invisible? Because it’s true, isn’t it? Most of the great corporations have, on the surface, instantly recognisable names and ‘brand’ identity: The largest American corporations include tech giants like NVIDIA, Microsoft, and Apple by market capitalization, alongside retail giants Walmart and Amazon by revenue. Other major corporations in diverse sectors are UnitedHealth Group (healthcare), ExxonMobil (energy), and financial firms like JPMorgan Chase.
But how many CEOs, CFOs, and other top management personnel in any of these goliath set-ups can you name? Only several of the headline grabbers, like Bill Gates, etc., come to my mind. Otherwise, I draw a blank. And I’m not in a hurry to look them up. Of course, the heavy hitters in these labyrinthine powerhouses know each other, but to me, they are less visible than skyscrapers in cities blanketed in smog. So who are these people? In the corporate world, they are the grey cardinals, the shadowed wielders of authority, and the rewards they reap are immense: some have more dollars than there are stars in the sky, and even if they fuck things up – which they have been known to do – they have no worries because a ‘golden parachute’ has been arranged, usually of enough compensation to support a small city in Mexico for 25 years.
A lot of these guys are strangers to their families (though better known to mistresses, a strap-on dominatrix or two, and guy ‘pals’), and they would be easy to spot by any enterprising Thug. Money has a definite smell to it, and Boyz in the Hood have sensitive nostrils. In fact, I have to confess the great pleasure I derive from imagining one of these corporate gurus being reduced to crawling on the floor begging for his life as some hulking ebony pimp drains his wallet at the motel while the bitch laughs her head off. Well, that’s a bit cruel, isn’t it? But where, oh where, do fantasy and reality merge?
You think it’s about the money? I detest them because they have so much? Well, that’s not it. Not entirely. I know that Johnny Depp has money, and I’m glad he has. No doubt old Barbara Streisand is rich beyond rich, but she sang for her supper, didn’t she? And she did it better than anyone. Whatever he/she is like in real life, I’ll pay to hear Elton John’s voice any time. J.K. Rowling deserves every penny or pound she’s got, and so does Elon Musk. It doesn’t matter if you like these people (some I do, some I don’t) – but I don’t begrudge them. The corporate guys (and now women too), I have less, if any, affection for.
Part of it is because, on those occasions when I have been in proximity with them (as in a room), there was something hard to pin down but as impossible to ignore as a bad medical report, that I disliked about them, and they felt the same about me. The lack of ‘chemistry’ was so obvious it could burn a hole in the air. And I’m not being hateful. Often and on, I have had jobs (entry-level, of course) in various ‘companies’, and I was always a bad fit. I interviewed well, but they never liked me when they got to know me.
Corporate life, I have discovered, reflects a certain mentality, a specific way of looking at things – and I simply never matched up with those (often unspoken) expectations. When I was not outright breaking the rules, I was violating some sacrosanct creed or another that was understood by the ‘professionals’ but not by me. I would do or say something, and I would watch them just shaking their heads, like you would with someone you couldn’t find grounds to lock up, but who was clearly insane.
Of course, this may speak more to my own sordid soul and litany of life failures than to anything they could be blamed for. But I always sensed their air of superiority. They had an invisible smirk on their faces a lot of the time: WE ARE CORPORATE.
And yet, on the occasions that I have met this sort of person (and in my tempestuous existence, I have run into all kinds, for reasons it would take a book to write), I almost always was left feeling that, although they could ‘buy and sell’ me (as such people are inclined to say), if I spoke to them about more profound aspects of life that really matter (beyond and above the bottom line), they wouldn’t have a clue what I was on about. They would humor me briefly and then look at their smartwatch. “Excuse me, but I have an important meeting.” In other words, OK, Mr. Nobody, your two minutes are up. Now hit the bricks before I call the goons.
But their politeness was made of stainless steel, their pleasant eyes like plexiglass, their words like a corporate version of ‘speaking in tongues’. Jargon and more jargon. And always the steady, ready, skull-embedded corporate smile.
You walk in thinking, “This motherfucker is worth billions, so he must have his head in the next galaxy. Am I out of my league here?” And then you talk to the guy, and all the awe and humbling power you had attributed to him/her drains away like piss in the sewer on a rainy day.
And you realize, both in your intellect (where intelligence lives) and in the pit of your stomach (where intuition dwells) that most of them are FRAUDS. Even if they have impeccable resumes and portfolios, even if they have chaired a thousand committees, even if the shareholders vote them (and themselves) another raise, they are still frauds. They hide behind their accumulated authority and their polite words that, for their numerous sycophants, have the heft of death sentences. In fact, it’s the old corporate Kiss up, Piss down ‘methodology. Give the shareholders a blow job, then call a flunky into the newly reupholstered grand office, and slap him around, which in ‘corporatese’ means an ‘official reprimand.’
This, in fact, leads me to what I truly hate about corporate culture: the terminal ‘politeness’. Of course, they call this ‘professionalism’. It is what corporate culture is really all about: hiding one’s essential brutality and/or cowardice behind protocol and policy. But then they take it to the next level with their despicable, inflated buzzwords and buzz-phrases. They mutilate the language, constantly coming up with one idiotic mouthful after another: Silo. Bandwidth. Trajectory. Synergy. Leverage. Deliverables.
I could go on forever about the ways that the chest-thumping sum-and-substance honchos butcher the English language.
The corporations, for one thing, are the reason the ‘passive voice’ exists in English grammar. Why is that? It’s because the passive voice allows one to pronounce judgment without taking ownership. Not, “I have decided to fire you.” But – “The decision of the corporation has been irreversibly reached that your employment with this firm should be terminated.” But why, and who made this decision? “That information is irrelevant. The decision was reached, effective immediately and irrevocably. Please clean out your desk, and you will be escorted from the building.”
He/She didn’t do it – simply: It was done. It’s the same when they fuck up. It’s not “We made mistakes.” (the ones that caused the oil spill.) It’s “Mistakes were made.” Politicians are great at this sort of fuckery, and the Education jizz-gummers aren’t far behind. Just as bad, these people are pathologically incapable of expressing any basic idea in plain language; the beautiful eloquence of simplicity is beyond them, and therefore it becomes clear that they themselves don’t believe a word of what they are saying. And OF COURSE they are Politically Correct. I mean, how could it be otherwise?
This avoidance tactic permeates corporate culture. People are crushed, not because they are necessarily incompetent, and certainly not with consideration for the disastrous effect not only on them but on their families as well, but based on the “deeply considered’ options available to the shareholders, chief of which is to downsize expenditures to ensure greater margin and profitability for the organization as a whole, but especially for the shareholders. So it’s about numbers, not people. Anybody can understand something as basic as that, can’t they?
What has always astonished me when I have raised this issue with corporate types (especially those who love corporate jargon) is the jaw-dropping disbelief that you would even consider such a silly notion that the company should try to keep employees on board just so they can go on feeding their families. It’s like: What are you talking about? Moreover, their incredulity contains a smack of disdain, as if they had just found out that you buy your underwear from a second-hand store.
By the same token, people gain promotion in many cases because of their ability to size things up, to know which friendships to cultivate and which ‘losers’ to avoid. Some possess a truly devilish genius for spotting and perusing the ‘fine print’ of personalities before picking out the telltale information that can either sell or doom the human specimen at hand. But this does not mean that they won’t use one of the flunkies for a ride to work or to run them off a copy of the latest HR slagheap memorandum, so they don’t have to do it themselves. Most of these types are emotionally frigid, ruthless, and unprincipled individuals who hide behind veneers of civility, professional decorum, and the ‘due diligence’ that has put the last shine on their now spotless souls, surely a finished product worthy of a cold, cheerful smile.
Over the years, I have come to the unhappy conclusion that, when you break it down, everything tends to be reducible to POLITICS. The political system itself (well, naturally), the health care institutions, the educational system, the university hierarchies, and, of course, the corporations, above and beyond. And oh dear, I forgot: sexual politics. That’s a biggie.
Of course (not to get carried away), a lot of these people are talented, and they have every right to be ambitious; many do not shirk from hard work, and some have great ideas. And often, there are good reasons why one individual succeeds and another one fails. So a pity party for the dawdlers and dick-fiddlers is not in order. After childhood, life is for grown-ups. In real life, they keep score, etc., etc. (choose the cliche you like best).
But there are places where the battle is out in the open, like in a football game or in a boxing ring. The crowd gathers, the gladiators crouch and snarl, the bell rings/the whistle blows, and all hell breaks loose. Usually, it’s pretty obvious who’s going to win, and if not, it means that you are treated to the spectacle of a great and FAIR fight. One player or side prevails, but in the best cases, nobody really loses. I think that’s why sports mean so much to so many people.
This also explains the reason I find it ironic that corporate men often use sports expressions and metaphors to describe their ‘wins’, ‘losses’, and ‘game plans’:
Success: It was a Slam Dunk, Jason! I tell ya, Bob, it was a Hole in One! I guess we dropped a Bomb on them today, Hank! I think we hit a Home Run with that one!
Loss: I reckon we took it on the chin, didn’t we, Fred? Well, Megan, I had to take one for the team, didn’t I? Well, Team, it was a Hail Mary, after all. Better luck next time. Listen, Janet, you really dropped the ball this time.
Warning, Advice, Inspiration: “Hey, Jack, keep your eye on the ball. This is Prime Time! OK, Time Out! This is going nowhere. OK, guys, it’s a sprint to the finish line. All right, it’s time to ‘Go for the Gold!”
If I may be permitted a little psycho-analyzing (and I am hardly the first to suggest this), it seems rather clear that a lot of these CEOs and Top Management guys are frustrated athletes, superstars in their own minds. They couldn’t make the Junior High basketball team, but here they are running the company, and they think they are Michael Jordan or Tom Brady. Or, they may see themselves as Generals and Field Marshals. Mucho Macho. Except in the Potstown High School locker room shower, where they kept their backs turned to the other guys, not to show they weren’t gay but to hide the fact that they weren’t packing enough to put on display. A lot of these guys have the Little Man’s Complex. So they become Board Room Napoleons and talk a lot of manly smack.
I guess I have concentrated my attack too much on the deep-pocket trolls, elves, and goblins running the show. What about the gazillions of corporate employees? Aren’t they the ones who keep the treadmill spinning? Aren’t they the real lifeblood of the organization? You bet they are, and some of them – the sexy and the head-hunted – are climbers to such an extent that when the elevator says ‘Going up’ they don’t even name a floor. How high is the sky?
I once taught English at Exon Mobil in Moscow. My boss at the school I was working at was the long-time horizontal of one of the muckety-mucks at Exon, and he liked her goodies so much it secured her a contract. So I had a lot of students there. Of course, they cancelled more lessons than they attended, which made the whole thing a waste of time. But pussy is pussy, and so my job was secure as long as the corporate dick got hard.
I had a lot of HR girls as students, and I’ll tell you – at first, they were impressive. Thriving with joy and throbbing with energy, they darted about like squirrels running after nuts (which, in a sense, they were). They were very likable. And, let’s be fair, most of them were just young women who hoped to catch the eye of their boss, if they didn’t already have husbands – or maybe even if they did. As I say, their energy and ‘prettiness’ were at first irresistible.
It was only gradually that I began to sense their superficiality. But it was inevitable, even when I didn’t want it to be. They reminded me of the sales staff every time and everywhere I have been exposed to such people. All good looks and limitless energy…until you realize, sadly, that behind the facade, nothing is really there. The engaging, seductive, “I am your new best friend” act persists only until you sign off on something they want. At heart, all salespeople are cynics; never think otherwise. They quickly sort out where you are vulnerable and go all warm and fuzzy. Yes, I love dogs too. Sign on the dotted line.
My conclusion about corporate culture then is simply this: fake cheerfulness, fake ‘transparency’, fake adherence to ethics and due diligence, infuriating politeness, total disrespect for the language, absolute refusal to connect in any other way but at the surface level (‘professional’ as they would term it), and, above all a Money is God mentality than puts everything else second best, even as they pretend to be ‘enlightened’, ‘sensitive’, and ‘inclusive’ – great lovers of ‘diversity’ that they are.
Here – nice guy that I am – I feel compelled to give a compassionate nod to all people who get stuck working in corporations but who are not ‘corporate’ in the pejorative sense I have been discussing. Many just want a job, a modest career, even; unfortunately, they are usually the first to lose their jobs. You see, they lacked the killer instinct. This includes the old boys and girls who have grown tired of the bullshit and are just trying to hang on until retirement, and who had better watch it, or they won’t make the next restructuring cut.
But those who have this ‘instinct’ – every last one of them is a politician-predator of one kind or another. In corporate boardrooms are found some of the greediest, most grasping, self-important, empty, shallow, and boring sods you’ll ever regret meeting. Cunts in sheep’s clothing. And it has a trickle-down effect. As H.L. Mencken put it, in describing how ‘democracy’ really works: Jackals worshipped by Jackasses.
Pretty much describes the institutions that run our lives. They certainly blackballed my ass, didn’t they? Thank God for small mercies. You know, back in America, when salesgirls and ticket collectors told me to ‘have a nice day’, I used to flinch. Now, when they say “Have a Happening Day”, I want to murder them. Have a self-discovery day. Yeah? Do you value your life?
In corporate culture, there are manuals on how to say simple words of greeting and of departure. It seems even “Good Morning” has different ramifications, depending on how you pronounce it, and to which audience. So, if there is one thing that they understand, it is nuance. Why is this subterfuge necessary?
Ask a CEO. He’ll pretend to know, but he won’t. The great corporations can fake orgasms better than the most experienced whores in the Bronx.
