I don’t believe in rewriting history—whether it’s Making America Great Again or Making America Native Again. The past is written, and no amount of nostalgia or revision can change it. But if we entertain the idea of turning back the clock, then let’s at least be honest about whose clock we’re turning. Because if MAGA sounds reasonable to you, then MANA—Make America Native Again—should too.
Content 21+ It is time, my fellow patriots, to face the hard truth. America has been hijacked. The land of our ancestors, once free and pure, has been overrun by waves of illegal immigrants who refuse to assimilate, who drain our resources, and who impose their foreign ways upon us.
For too long, we have tolerated their European languages, their strange customs, their peculiar obsession with dividing land into tiny, useless rectangles. We have watched them desecrate sacred sites to build shopping malls, poison rivers in the name of “progress,” and tear up the land to erect oversized food dispensaries where they serve “cheese-stuffed” things that defy all natural law.
But no more.
It is time to Make America Native Again.
The Plan to Take Back Our Homeland
Our ancestors did not fight, endure forced marches, or resist smallpox-ridden blankets just so we could let a bunch of pasty-faced newcomers tell us how our land should be run. If they want a country so badly, let them go back to England, Spain, France, or whatever chilly, sun-starved place they crawled out of.
We are the original Americans. It’s time to reclaim what’s ours.
1. Close the Borders! (No, Really.)
We keep hearing about “border security.” And we agree. In fact, we think it’s a little late—should’ve been done about 1492. But it’s not too late to fix the mistake! From now on, no more unchecked immigration from Europe, Canada, or anywhere else settlers come from.
We’ll build a canoe blockade along the East Coast if we have to. Ellis Island? Closed. Statue of Liberty? We’ll give her a new plaque:
“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses—actually, never mind. We’re full.”
And let’s talk about the real immigration problem: undocumented Pilgrims.
2. Mass Deportations of Illegal Settlers
If your ancestors arrived after the year 1491, we have some unfortunate news: you are not from here. That makes you an illegal settler. Now, we understand that it may be inconvenient to uproot your family after generations, but we were forced to do the same.
You will be assigned a European homeland based on your last name. Don’t worry, we will provide temporary housing at designated “settler reservations” while we process your deportation. These will be located in the least hospitable lands we can find—say, the Nevada desert or a swamp in Louisiana.
We hear you like freedom. You’ll be free to leave anytime—just as soon as your boat arrives.
3. English is NOT the Official Language
For far too long, our land has been dominated by foreign languages. Enough is enough. If you want to live here, learn the language!
Henceforth, all government business will be conducted in a selection of Indigenous languages. English? French? Spanish? Sorry, never heard of them. Anyone refusing to learn Cherokee, Lakota, or Navajo will be considered an “assimilation resister” and fined accordingly.
4. Give Us Our Land Back—ALL of It
The so-called “United States” is an illegitimate construct built on stolen land. It is time to return all lands to their rightful owners: the Native nations.
The Land Back program will be simple:
• If you are living on land that was not originally granted to you by a legally binding Indigenous treaty, you must vacate immediately.
• Those unwilling to leave may apply for permission to remain as long as they pay proper tribute. (Suggested payment: half your annual income, all farmland, and your firstborn child for cultural exchange purposes.)
We are feeling generous. We may allow a few of you to stay—under Native rule, of course. You will be classified as “resident non-citizens,” allowed to work but not to vote. Don’t like it? There’s an ocean in that direction.
5. End Settler Welfare
For too long, Indigenous people have been forced to subsidize the settler population. We see them living on our land, using our resources, enjoying the benefits of our rivers, forests, and air—for free.
No more handouts. Want to live here? Pay up. That means settler taxes—a Settler Tax (ST) will be collected to compensate for 500+ years of unpaid rent.
6. Rewriting the History Books (The Right Way This Time)
We have had to sit through generations of children learning about “Thanksgiving” as if it were some warm, friendly dinner party rather than an awkward hostage situation where the hosts were later exterminated.
All history books will be rewritten to reflect the truth:
• Columbus? A lost invader.
• Thanksgiving? A brief moment before betrayal.
• Manifest Destiny? A bad joke.
All schools will now teach Indigenous History First. Settler history? That will be an elective.
7. Native Governance—No More Fake Leaders
We are taking back control. No more presidents, no more congressmen. The Supreme Court? Don’t make us laugh. We had working governments before settlers even figured out how to bathe regularly.
From now on, the nation will be run by a Council of Tribal Elders, chosen for their wisdom, connection to the land, and ability to tell a good story. Decisions will be made with seven generations in mind—not just the next election cycle.
No more gerrymandering, no more settler lobbyists, and certainly no more billionaires buying laws. You want democracy? We had it first. And we did it better.
The Time Is Now
We understand that change is difficult. But let’s be honest—if you could tell people to “go back where they came from,” then surely, you understand why it’s time for you to do the same.
So let’s Make America Native Again. It’s only fair.
You’re either with us, or you’re on the next boat to Europe. Your choice.
